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Deconstructing jealousy—envy, rivalry, uncertainty and jealousy
If you're polyamorous, then a working knowledge of jealousy is pretty important to have.
Actually, let me correct that. If you're in—or planning to be in—a relationship, then knowing about jealousy is important.
People get jealous all the time, it just that in poly circles people seem to spend a lot more time discussing it. While I'm going to talk about jealousy and polyamorous relationships, this post is really aimed at everyone.
While jealousy can sometimes feel intuitive, there are many complex facets to it, and knowing which facet you're dealing with can really help in finding a satisfying resolution. I had a real light-bulb moment the other day when reading Close Encounters and realised that I'd always thought jealousy could be divided into two different emotions (envy, and true jealousy). I was wrong, jealousy can be divided into four:
I have a problem with jealousy vs envy!
i have a problem with jealousy in the bible
i have a problem with jealousy is a disease
i have a problem with jealousy in relationships
Envy
Envy is wanting what someone else has—be that goods, experiences, status, or relationships. It's distinct from true jealousy, which is where you perceive a threat to something you already have. When you tell your friend that you've just purchased a 55 gallon drum of lube and are building the world's most awesome slip'n'slide, it's likely what they're feeling is envy.
You can only feel envy about things you actually desire. I don't experience car envy, because I have no desire to own a car. I do envy other people's popularity or social skills, because those are things which I consider are important features in myself.
Since envy is so closely linked to what an individual values, it's possible for romantic partners to experience envy over entirely different things. This is an important observation, because you could be making your partner envious and not even realising it.
Envy can be a big deal in relationships which are moving from a closed to open model; if one person gains a new lover—and their partner does not—then it can be easy to become envious of their new experiences, successes, and emotional state. It's common in many polyamorous relationships to ensure you're doing something really fun when a partner goes on a date, simply because it's hard to feel envy when you're having an amazing time. Conversely, staying at home and doing the laundry is a great way to invoke envy while your partner is in someone else's arms.
Couples moving to an open relationship can will sometimes find that things become much less stressful once both partners have lovers—not only is envy reduced, but both being in similar situations can provide a shared perspective which can significantly reduce uncertainty.
I've seen envy develop over things such as experiences and activities. While an existing partner may not feel threatened by a new one, they might feel that they're missing out on awesome dates and cool activities. The most obvious and effective solution here is to make sure existing partners don't feel left out—a candlelit dinner, a weekend away, or an invitation to your new slip'n'slide are all great solutions here.
Rivalry
When two people are competing for something that neither one of them has, then rivalry exists. That might be competition for a position at work, the affection of another person, or a position on a committee. While rivalry often discussed with regards to young siblings, I know that I personally encounter social or status rivalry in terms of popularity and recognition.
One can be friendly rivals, or bitter rivals, or even ignorant rivals, where one person is unaware the other person views the situation as rivalry.
I won't be discussing rivalry in depth here, since in my experiences it's much less of a problem than the other facets of jealousy, however relational psychology does classify it separately.
Uncertainty
Guerrero (1998) does an outstanding job systematically identifying different responses people have to jealousy-style emotions. What's most interesting here is that a significant chunk of the jealousy response is aimed directly at reducing uncertainty.
Contacting rivals, engaging in surveillance behaviour, suspicion and worry—these are all things which are done to gain information, or which are anxiety caused by a lack of information.
In poly circles, it's very common to try and have partners meet each other. This is a direct way of reducing uncertainty in relationships. Keeping partners up-to-date with what's happening, and what might happen, are other important ways to reduce uncertainty. Good communication seems to be a mainstay in long-term polyamorous relationships.
Because jealousy can happen in response to imagined threats, it's important to be proactive with uncertainty reduction. If your partners get used to you letting them know about things you feel might be important to them, they'll feel much more at ease, and much less worried that there might be something you're not telling them. Conversely, if your partner doesn't tell you something you'd like to have known earlier, let them know in a friendly and non-accusatory fashion; there's a chance they simply didn't know that was important to you.
Jealousy
True jealousy is a threat response—a new person, event, or circumstances are threatening something you already have. Jealousy doesn't need to be restricted to relationships; you can be jealous because you think your housemate is secretly eating the ice-cream you've stowed in the freezer. However when it comes to relationships, the most serious form is romantic jealousy.
While jealousy is always associated with a perceived threat, that threat needn't actually be real. In a monogamous relationship, one can be completely emotionally and sexually faithful, and still have a partner who feels jealous when you spend time with an attractive friend.
This, combined with uncertainty, is one of the reasons why new partners in polyamorous relationships usually provoke many more jealous emotions than existing partners.
I know from personal experience that I don't feel worried at all if a new person I'm dating has existing partners—they're simply not a threat. However I'll easily become jittery and worried if someone new arrives on the scene with one of my existing partners. What if this means I don't get to see my partner as often? What if they find the other person more fun or exciting? What if we're having problems, and I think they're finding someone else as a means of escape? Jealousy, envy, uncertainty and self-doubt can all easily come out at this stage.
Making sure that your partners are feeling secure at any point in the relationship, but it's especially important if you're starting to see someone new. Be more pro-active in scheduling time with them, and make sure they feel appreciated—you'll go a long way to reducing any jealous feelings they might have. Research has also shown that jealousy is also much more common in dissatisfying relationships, so making sure everyone is happy and has their needs met is a great way to prevent jealousy from occurring in the first place.
And, as always, if you or your partner is feeling nervous or anxious about something, please talk about it. This isn't just speculation, there's a serious amount of psychology research that shows that calm, reasoned, and non-threatening communication greatly improves relationships that are in distress, and relationships experiencing jealousy in particular.
Finally, if you do construct that awesome slip'n'slide, invite me to the party?
Selected References
I have a problem with jealousy vs envy!
i have a problem with jealousy in the bible
i have a problem with jealousy is a disease
i have a problem with jealousy in relationships
Guerrero, Laura K., Peter A. Andersen, and Walid A. Afifi. Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships. Third ed. Sage Publications, Inc, 2010.
Guerrero, Laura K. “Attachment‐style Differences in the Experience and Expression of Romantic Jealousy.” Personal Relationships 5, no. 3 (September 1, 1998): 273–291.
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